How to make a heart-stopping salad

[andrew_jorgensen]

I've mentioned before my recent forays into fitness. Part of these have been the development of a taste for salads at lunch. No longer do I wolf down microwave lasagna or run over to Wendy's; now I eat the nutritious way! And you can too -- just follow these simple steps:

Step 1:


Fill a bowl with a heaping helping of baby spinach, the world's healthiest food, unless you want to retain calcium or something.

Step 2:


Add banana ring peppers. Only five calories a serving! And at fourteen rings per serving, good luck reaching even that.

Step 3:


Fresh onion adds zest, and will cause damage only to your stomach lining and social life.

Step 4:


Wait a minute. I don't know about this roast beef thing . . .

Step 5:


Wow, that's a lot of cheese.

Step 6:


Blue Cheese dressing? Blue Cheese dressing?? That crap is 100 percent fat! Why not just slice open a vein and cram in a stick of butter?

Step 7:


Just kidding. Newman's Own Light Honey Mustard: perhaps not the most nutritious dressing available, but at only 70 calories a serving, certainly appropriate if used in moderation.

Step 8:


Fuck moderation.

Comments

[rebekahroxanna.livejournal.com]

Is that you behind the lens on the new icon? It's certainly not my lens. My white lenses say not only am I big, but you can't avoid noticing how big I am.

[dherblay.livejournal.com]

It's Jimmy Stewart, philistine.

[atpolittlebit.livejournal.com]

Rear Window.

[rebekahroxanna.livejournal.com]

I thought the eyes looked familiar, but then I'm now wearing reading glasses at the computer because I can't see much without them. It is sudden onset presbyopia. Or sudden onset not being able to make sense of the blurs any more.

And watch what you call me. I'm still struggling with this trip. Not done yet.

I frankly don't like being the decider.

[etrangere.livejournal.com]

you rock.

[dherblay.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[c-mantix.livejournal.com]

"You are strange and offputting". In the good, Whedonesque sense, of course.

[dherblay.livejournal.com]

It's the onions

[anneth.livejournal.com]

Giggle. That does look pretty good. I don't know if that should worry me any.

[dherblay.livejournal.com]

I hope not. It's not like all that roast beef ended up on the salad.

[masqthephlsphr.livejournal.com]

You know they have low-fat cheese these days.

[dherblay.livejournal.com]

Baby steps. It's all I can do to get myself through the bakery section at the grocery store without picking up 45 pounds of pastries.

[masqthephlsphr.livejournal.com]

Oh, you shouldn't even go *near* that section at all! That way lies madness!

[deevalish.livejournal.com]

Hey! I made a chopping board like that in 8th grade. In fact I think my mom still uses it.

As for the salad, you lost me after the banana peppers.

[dherblay.livejournal.com]

You don't like banana peppers?

[masqthephlsphr.livejournal.com]

We call them pepperocinis where I come from and they're yum!

[cactuswatcher.livejournal.com]

Banana peppers are different from pepperoncini... But to be honest when they are the same size, it's hard to tell one from the t'other. Pepperoncini are usually a little spicey. Banana peppers can be dead bland to OH-MY-GOD too hot.

[deevalish.livejournal.com]

Not so much.

[dherblay.livejournal.com]

Note to self: open-ended questions.

[cactuswatcher.livejournal.com]

I prefer healthy bacon to that beef stuff. Why make a salad if you are going to put that Paul Newman dreck on it? Your taste buds don't give a **** about social consciousness, after all. Go back to the Kraft plastic sauce blue cheese dressing on it!

Add some cherry tomatoes, black olives, a few garbanzos and some feta cheese to balance the other cheeses, and there you have a salad. Maybe you need a bigger bowl, too. ;o)

[dherblay.livejournal.com]

Kraft's light honey mustard dressing is white. I refuse to countenance white mustard.

[cactuswatcher.livejournal.com]

I have some store-brand honey mustard dressing in my fridge. It's yellow. But that's about the best thing I can say for it.

Hee!!!

[angels-nibblet.livejournal.com]

You are officially today's funniest person. Wear it with pride!

And now I'm hungry...

Re: Hee!!!

[dherblay.livejournal.com]

Thank you. And due to the time difference, it's like I get a free day of funniness!

I have never tasted these banana ring thingies

[hankat.livejournal.com]

Trouble with salads is that you can get even more fat than the biggest burger if you don't look at the label to see why the stuff is almost solid at room temperature.

Rufus...trying to be a good person and lose the weight I've gaine the past year.

Re: I have never tasted these banana ring thingies

[dherblay.livejournal.com]

I remember the first sprouts of my inclination to eat salads (without sprouts, though). I was going to head home and microwave a lasagna, but then I thought, "I'll stop by the grocery store and pick up a pre-made salad instead." Well, I look at those, and the lightest one they had has 450 calories. I really don't know what that means, but I take it home and eat it. Then I look at the microwave lasagna I had conscientiously passed up: 350 calories.